Today is the first Christmas day in my 46 years of life - I have spent alone. It's been a day full of feelings - nostalgic memories that make me both smile and cry. Sadness over what was and will never be again. Wonder about the future. A slight pity party for myself. Hard feelings, soft feelings, confused feelings.  Numbness.

For someone who usually goes all out with decorating (like seriously all out transforming the entire house into a winter wonderland) and baking up a storm, and making sure every detail is thought out and on point....it just doesn't feel like Christmas this year. Today. Sure I still have a tree decorated in my apartment, and holiday music playing. Its even a white Christmas for the first time in 7 or 8 years which always adds to the beauty and magic of the season.

But everything is different.

There was no cuddling up with the kids on the couch to watch a Christmas Eve movie before bedtime and Santa comes. No stockings hung over the fireplace, then mysteriously moved to bedrooms in the middle night to be opened upon waking. No garland and lights wrapped around the banister, on top
of all the cabinets and shelves, or in the windows. No Santas, snowmen, angels, reindeer or festive figurines filling empty spaces. No village of lighted houses. No cookie decorating and holiday smells filling the air. No hiding presents and putting them out in the middle of the night for Christmas morning surprises. No Christmas morning coffeecake and unwrapping excitement. No chilled out family time enjoying the rest of the day. No holiday party/family gatherings.

Kids grow up and move on and have jobs. Divorce happens. The family dynamic changes.

Such is the cycle of life.

But sometimes change really fucking sucks. Like on Christmas.

It was very strange to sleep in and wake up on Christmas morning by myself. I did get to spend Christmas Eve with my children - 2 in person and one via Skype, and while it was a good time - even that wasn't the same. Today they spent Christmas with their dad and grandparents. Today, everything changed for Christmas - for all of us. And that has been very hard for me.

But it was also a much needed step I had to take. Christmas was the last remaining holiday I had never spent alone. And I'm sure there will be many more solo Christmases in the future for me. So I've tried to do my best at honoring the day and my needs. Its time to start new traditions. And while it wasn't exactly what I would've liked it to be - it was okay. Because the reality is, right now, I am alone. Its not a bad thing - its just the way it is. And that's okay. It does me no good to wallow in self pity and loneliness - that does not serve me. Feeling my feelings and working my way thru them serves me - getting lost and stuck in them does not. Treating myself in kind, loving, nourishing ways serves me. Curling up by the fireplace, with hot cocoa and Christmas movies serves to comfort me. Starting a blog to share the Heartstrong Journey I am on...serves me.

Doing hard things and coming out the other side stronger and better for it.....Serves me.

Merry Christmas to me, and to all of you. Here's to Living a heartstrong Life!