AED day 13

 Finished the bathroom faux finish. The walls in the toilet room had been repaired, so I primed, repainted  and fauxed the whole room to match the rest of the bathroom again. 

AED Day 12

 Used my years of experience at Sherwin Williams back in the day, to match some more colors for the bathroom job. Today I base coated the bathroom and did some samples.

AED Day 11

 

AED 8,9,10

 Haven't been feeling well the last few days, but managed some sketching and swirling.

AED Day 7

 Primed a bathroom for a client today, and created a custom color to paint it tomorrow from my paint stock. No picture.

AED Day 6 - Light to my Shadow

 

Light to my Shadow

 

When my shadows run deep

Your light burns bright

 

When I am lost

You show me the way

 

When I am low

You help me Rise

 

Your light envelops me

When I need it most.

 

Like a heavy blanket of protection

The shadows illusions feel safe

But they hold me down and keep me small

Afraid to truly LIVE

Afraid to truly BE.

 

Your light though, helps me to see

Find balance

Shows me color again when I had forgotten all their beauty and wonder

TRULY makes me feel safe and warm

ALIVE.

To have light there must be shadow

But in the shadows there is also light

 

You are the Light to my Shadow

Allowing me to BE.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately, and my current lack of one, and how physically alone I feel much of the time. I love my alone time, don’t get me wrong – I need it, its where I do my best thinking and work. But I do wish I had someone around on a regular basis again to share my day, a meal, and to laugh with. Someone to comfort me and help pull me up when times are tough instead of always having to do it myself.

Its hard to comfort yourself when you are alone in the dark.

But that is what makes me stronger, right – finding the light within and around me, and rising once again out of the darkness and ash on my own. Multiple heart attacks and brushes with death, lung cancer, ongoing complications, covid, divorce, empty nest, starting over in a new place, financial strain, childhood – I’ve survived it all and more - mostly on my own - and I keep surviving.

There is a reason for that.

I believe my Soul’s current journey is truly one about resilience, survival and rising up. Finding my own unique path and following it, standing up and brushing the unwanted debris off, and living my life MY way. Creating my Eden. I keep being guided and given more chances to do just that, so I know I am meant to accomplish more in this lifetime than I currently have. So every day I work on uncovering what my next steps are in my evolution. Overall right now things are feeling pretty good. I’m listening to my Soul and the messages I receive,  figuring things out and keeping my head above water. Mostly.  Its been a bumpy road but I’ve come a long way. Yay me!

But its really. Fucking. Hard. and exhausting some days. 

And lonely. 

So I am also looking forward to the day when I don’t always have to do it ALL on my own. When the light is not always just my own I have to battle demons to even see. When there is physically someone else nearby to say – I SEE YOU - here, borrow some of my light for awhile so its not so scary in the dark by yourself.  Let me sit by you and hold your hand and talk things thru with you while we find your way out of the dark together.

We all want someone, whether we want to admit it or not. I am certainly strong and capable enough to survive on my own and don't "need" anyone - I've been proving that to myself for a long time. But sometimes I just really want to lean on someone else and feel supported and loved and like I don't HAVE to do it all on my own. You know?

Winning shadow battles is an amazing feeling, especially those fought in solitude. We can do hard things right?! They give us strength courage and self worth we weren’t sure we even possessed. When no one else is around, the Universe is always there to shine its light on us as well, bringing lots of guidance and reassurance as we stumble our way along.

But its so much sweeter when you have someone in person to share it all with. Someone to help you celebrate your hard fought battles with and encourage you to keep going. Someone who understands, or at least wants to understand without judgement.  Someone to hold onto in the dark of the night, and be held by - in sorrow, and joy and unconditional love. Someone who just gives a damn. 

Because its all the more lonely when you don’t have any of that. 

And the shadows love vulnerability.

I lived in the shadows for a long fucking time. Trauma, people pleasing and a (false) sense of safety kept me there from an early age. Nothing can hurt, judge or shame you if it cant see or hear you right? And while I don’t Live there anymore, I do still find myself visiting from time to time, especially when I’m lonely, anxious and scared. Thankfully my stays are short now and I have the tools to recognize what brought me there and how to get out again quickly. But its taken a lifetime (maybe more) of intentional light and shadow work.

And I am so ready for more of the light.

I think we need the shadows to appreciate the light. The shadows have a purpose too and I personally am grateful for them – I wouldn’t be where I am today without experiencing all I have – good and bad. There is so much color to see and hear and smell and taste and touch when you step out of the shadows. I’ve experienced it and I am excited to find my person someday to stand beside me, supporting me, and holding my hand as we navigate the light, dark and color filled paths life gives us together.

 

 I’m finding with my Art, I often try to portray the vibrancy, magic and wonder of life and imagination I see and desire there to be, in both shadow and light -  that which speaks to my Soul. So I think that is where this painting and poem are coming from  - Light to my Shadow – a part of me that is deep and dark and lonely and so damn tired of always rescuing herself, but also proud of doing so and coming thru it all in blazing color. Finding my balance, within, without and with others. A part that knows the light is all around and getting brighter, stronger and physically closer every day the more I reach for it and trust in it. A light I feel glowing inside and want to share with someone. A light they have I feel is out there waiting for when the time is right to share with me. 

A light we all just need to look around and be open and ready to see.

The best light is our own of course, but its also magical and warm when coming from someone else who genuinely desires to help us become our best selves. Our internal paths may be solitary and spiritual ones, but we all need external company along the way to share and experience the highs and lows of this life with. That’s what life is all about isn’t it? Experiences, growth and connection to ourselves and each other.

 There is always light to our shadows.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Owls have been a powerful spirit animal guide for me for a number of years now. They are a symbol of wisdom and the winds of change.  I always know I am on the right path when they are around, or that I need to pay attention because change is coming. I have sketched and  painted them many times in both meaningful and whimsical ways and they are always a favorite subject of mine.

White is the color of purity, and white owls are a symbol of big changes in your evolution and reaching for your higher self. Black owls are representative of shadow work you are processing. (I did not know this when the title – Light to my Shadow – popped in my head as I sketched, and the poem by the same title began to emerge as I painted. I’m always amazed at how the Universe works sometimes.) And while my painted owls are not purely white or black, the intention and meaning is there, and the colorful feathers represent what can be seen in the light and the dark if you truly look. Together they balance each other out. Black and white, yin and yang, light and dark. I actually found their images for this painting before I understood the deeper meaning behind the black and white owls together and how it related to me personally - I just knew I felt pulled to paint them.

The deeper WHY tends to unfold during my journey and its always more profound than I first thought.

THIS is what the ‘Soul’ in Andrea’s Art and Soul is all about.

Uncovering the meanings underneath why I am guided and drawn to create what I do, and the transformation inside me that happens as a result. Seems my longing to not be so physically alone all the time is finding its way into my work right now – both creatively and spiritually.

Oh, and there is literally an Owl hooting in a tree outside my house right now as I type this up tonight. Universal magic and guidance once again. 💖

I’m excited to see what is coming next.

I’m sure its not what I think, hope or wish it will be. 😉

 

Light to My Shadow. 24x30 acrylic on canvas

 

AED Day 5

 Work in progress

AED Day 4

 Played with 3 new backgrounds today. I love blending colors, smearing, dripping and splattering paint. Makes my Soul happy. 💖

AED Day 3

Another Soul Swirl today. Green and white and bits of iron metallic. 18x24 acrylic on canvas

 AED Day 2 - did some sketching and a small Soul Swirl today. It will eventually be framed.

So much has been happening. I feel as if the first chapter in a new phase of my life is beginning right now. The last 6 years have been full of emotion, transition and transformation. The last 10 months have been full of healing from cancer and partial lung removal. Even since I began this blog in the spring with high hopes, my healing has taken longer than I imagined it would. But I finally feel like I'm ready to begin emerging from the cocoon, shake out my wings and rise. I've been working really hard the last few weeks on my career pivot of becoming a full time studio artist. Andrea Morgan Art and Soul is in serious behind the scenes organization and planning mode. My hope is to open an online store to sell my art by Cyber Monday in November. Not sure I'll make it by that date as there is so much to do - inventory, pricing, photographing everything, branding, finishing, framing, varnishing, figuring out shipping, packaging, printing, social media, building a website etc, and of course painting more art - and I'm mostly doing it all on my own AND working my day job painting cabinets and walls too.  But I AM doing it - the research and work - bit by bit, day by day, both on the business side and creating more art side. For years I have wanted this, yet never had the drive to dive all in, until now. NOW it is finally the right time. And I want it to be done as well as it can be with what I know at this time, so if it takes me longer than the end of November to get my store open, so be it - it counts that I'm taking steps closer every day. I'm happy with the progress I'm making and I'm excited for all the ideas that are showing up, the guidance and positive support from the Universe telling me I'm on the right path and to keep going, and the potential success that will come. :-D

Part of my process in showing up on the creative side is getting back to doing AED - Art Every Day. I started a blog back in 2015 where I did AED and posted about it to keep myself accountable. Knowing I need to show up with my art online to be successful and help build my studio art business and promote myself - I've decided to get back to posting my AED journey again. Its my first step in the social media realm.

My branding for Art and Soul is based on Soul connection - finding what lights me up, what touches my Soul in some way, and creating and sharing that. Thus the blogging about what I do and am going thru too, not just posting a picture of my latest art on FB and leaving it at that. I want my art to have meaning, not only to me, but also to the people who are drawn to it. The meaning doesn't have to be deep or profound - sometimes it is, but sometimes its just pretty and makes you smile, and that's the best kind of art in my opinion. 

Anything that makes you smile or feel something is a Soul connection. Connecting to our Souls in joyful, evolving, fulfilling, meaningful ways thru the things we experience and do is the purpose of life.

So my Art comes from a connection to my Soul. From the colors, to the subjects, to the tiny details - something about it has moved my Soul. My Art is a colorful combination of abstract realism with touches of meaning, movement, magic and whimsy. 

 I love creating drippy flowing color filled backgrounds. Sometimes the color and movement in them is enough to stand alone. More often than not I add additional elements on top - a willow tree, an animal, a person, or whatever random abstract or real-ish things want to show up from the fibers of my brush. Whatever speaks to my Soul.

I especially love adding swirls. 

Recently I realized that swirls were a big part of my creative voice. Even though they've been right there in front of me the whole time in my art and my décor (they are even tattooed on my arm for goodness sake!), they've always just been an accent element in my art.  But I'm beginning to take them out of the background and make them more of a feature, and my Soul is super excited about that. Soul Swirls is what I'm calling this new direction my art wants to go. I have tons of ideas and plans for Soul Swirls and where they might lead, from paintings to products - my notebooks and sketchbooks are filling up more and more everyday. Soul Swirls has been a big part of my momentum lately. It's what is driving me to finally make strides in opening the online store that has been a dream desire at least 6 years in the making.

I also am coming to realize that adding bling to my art is a big part of who I am too. Next to color, I am always drawn to sparkles and twinkles and bits of magic, elegance and whimsy. So a lot of my pieces are now going to include embellishments as well. Many already do, but I'm feeling pulled to expand on that and make it part of my 'thing'.

Case in point - the AED Soul Swirl piece I did today. While I'm still playing with the placement of the rhinestones, as you can see in the picture - there is a big difference between adding them and not. Without the bling, the painting just feels dull and boring to me. But with the jewels, the piece feels more elegant and complete. My friend said it had "reflections of clarity and light" in the darkness. Love that!

So day 1 of Art n Soul AED is in the books. Or on the blog I should say lol. May this be the start of an amazing new adventure. 

This Soul Swirl is acrylic and rhinestones on a 12x24 inch gallery wrapped canvas. 

Inspiration - Helicopter Seeds

 What is inspiring me today? Today - its helicopter seeds. At least that's what we called them when I was growing up. You know - those seeds from trees that look like wings and helicopters blades spinning as they fall from their heights - those things. 

I have two big maple trees in my back yard that in the fall turn to a riot of brilliant red colors. I absolutely love when they are in all their autumn glory against the crisp blue sky, deep forest greens of the pines behind them and golden tones of the fading summer. I can stare out my windows at the ever changing colors of them for hours. 

But today it is early to mid Springtime here in North Carolina, and mother nature is in the peak of her post winter blossoming. Which means the maples are in full helicopter mode as they open their leaves and shed their seeds. 

Growing up we had a tree next door that had green double helicopter wing seeds - unlike like the red maples I have in my yard today which are only single wing seeds. We, my sisters and I, would gather up the fallen ones and throw them as high in the air as our little arms could and delight in their spinning as they fell once again. Again and again. And again. Sometimes we would dissect and study them, wondering how something so small could turn into such a giant tree. 

I was reminded of all that today as I sat on my patio enjoying the spring temperatures and sunshine, and watched the wind playing with the helicopter seeds as they fell around me. Delicate golden brown and pinkish mauve seed casings, some with just a touch of green, whose shape is like those of a dragonfly wing (have you ever noticed the similarities?), swirling and twirling as they danced their way to the fertile ground below in hopes of becoming something big and majestic someday. There was something so magical about it - the colors and wonders of nature and childhood joys all mixed in one. 

It was definitely a Soul touching experience.

So often we get annoyed with spring - the pollen turning our cars and outdoor spaces into fuzzy yellow green messes, the sneezing and itchy eyes, the rain and strong storms, the months of roller coaster temperatures, and the return of the bugs. We take the miracles of nature going on around us for granted, barely even noticing them as we rush around trying to do all the things. The way the leaves are uncurling from their hibernation- growing and changing colors, the wide variety of shades of green (seriously, have you ever noticed all the different greens?), bright new colors of flowers springing up everywhere, and all the animals and creatures returning/emerging from their rest and frolicking about. 

Its truly amazing when you think about it - that all these things, including us humans, even exist.

I challenge you to stop and take a few moments (or longer preferably) in your day (every day for that matter), to REALLY look at the world around you right now. Not the messes that need cleaned and the work that needs done - but the miracles of nature - the blues of the sky and water, the whites and stormy grays of the clouds, the way rain and water make everything glisten and shine, the browns of the wood and dirt, the greens - so many greens, and all the colors of the flowers and creatures of the world. Most especially - the way the sun and fresh air make you feel alive and like anything is possible. Reconnect to something that makes you smile and brings a sense of joy or nostalgia. Nature is always putting on a spectacular show, day and night, year after year after year, it never stops. 

Are you paying attention, or letting it pass you by?

Collage with helicopter seeds, flowers and greens from my yard.

Venus and the spark she lit.

The Venus de Milo statue. Graphite and Charcoal

This morning I pulled a card with Venus on it. It got me thinking about these ideas I've had for some paintings of women in their power. I have a painting with a woman whose head is thrown back, arm raised, just loving life. I called it Come Alive and it feels like ME - inside, at least who I strive to be. I've been wanting to do more paintings like it with other female figures and I felt that spark this morning to explore that. So I began by searching Venus Woman in google today. Of course this statue popped up. One of the lessons in the Art Mastery Class I've been taking has you drawing a statue very loose and gesturally - so I decided there was no better time than the present Venus was offering me. This drawing is the result. Its mostly graphite (including water soluble graphite) and a bit of charcoal. I'm pretty happy with the way she turned out. 

Afterwards I began researching more women figure images to design some paintings around. While doing that the idea of a series came up. I'm taking a year long class (for the second time - first time was 5 years ago) that is called Reclamation. Its about learning and reclaiming who you are. Each month is a different theme. So I thought it would cool to create a series with women centered paintings around each monthly theme. The challenge being finding that perfect image to represent each theme. Thus the researching. I'm also doing some writing to go with it. I'm pretty excited about it so far. We'll see how it goes over the coming months.  

 

The beginning of a new Journey

 I haven't blogged in years. I actually forgot I have 3 different blogs until today. 4 now that I decided to start this one. New stage of life - new blog. 😀 I've resorted to journaling and writing just for me the past few years since I stopped blogging. Actually I haven't even done that for quite awhile, I've mostly been processing internally. I had a personal journal I would brain dump into on my laptop pretty regularly - that is until my laptop died last May and I lost it all. That was a sad day. But also felt like a sign that I was holding onto too many wounds I would relive over and over again by rereading old journal entries. So the Universe said here, we'll help you let go and move on - and It killed my laptop and I lost everything on it. Ugh. The pictures and most all of my art/mural research I was devastated to lose, but the journal, strangely, felt okay to let go of. A relief in a way. I got a new laptop, but I only started journaling again in it last week. It just wasn't calling me until now. And I only started writing in my painting records notebook I keep to record the journey of each piece of art I create last week too - journaling about my recent struggles with my dormant creativity. I'd forgotten I used to keep those records on here tho too - on my other blogs, and how much writing and getting the stuck energy out helps me process and center again. I'd also forgotten how good (if I do say so myself lol) some of my writing is, looking back at some of my old blog posts today - my words even made me cry a few times, and it sparked this renewed desire/need to document my art and soul journey again. So here we are. We'll see how long I keep it going this time. :-D

What led me here to my old blogs today, was that I sold a painting yesterday. For the first time (that hadn't been commissioned). A deeply personal one to me. The first detailed fine art painting I'd done on canvas since my school days. The first meaningful painting of this current phase of my life. The first animal that ever spoke to me in a spiritual guidance way and that has been with me the last 7 years I've been on this awakening journey. The Great Blue Heron painting I called Patience. And I knew I had documented our story somewhere. I searched my Facebook page, found the painting, but the story wasn't there. I figured I had probably lost it on my old laptop. But as I was scrolling thru some of the other paintings I'd posted on Facebook, I found the link to my blog I'd forgotten about. Searched thru it and sure enough - there was the whole story. Then I read other stories and poems I'd shared. And my Soul began saying - you need to do this again. You need to share your journey, your art and the stories behind them again.

So welcome to my art and soul journey! ( Just a warning - I tend to write a lot.😁 )

The last couple years since I moved to Charlotte I have been busy traveling out of town, for a few personal reasons but mainly for mural jobs - gone for months on end each time. I have been out of town almost longer than I've been home. I have literally been across the country and back again - from Cape Cod to Montana, to Seattle and down the coast to California, then back across to home in North Carolina, up to Ohio and Michigan and down to Florida, and back to Boston and Cape Cod again. Driving the entire time, because I have to take all my paints and supplies with me. Its been fruitful, but exhausting. When I am home, I just want to be HOME. I really have not gotten out and explored this new territory I now live in at all, nor have I really established my mural business here, because it seemed that every few months I was leaving again (and something always made me hesitate too.) My good friend here has a painting business as well and I began teaming up with her and started painting cabinets to help make ends meet between travel times. Its good work and fairly easy for me and I don't mind it. Murals are also fun and fairly easy for me. I grow and learn with every job I do because there are always challenges of some sort to work thru. But, it is a lot of long days and physical labor - climbing ladders and scaffolds, balancing, reaching, bending, carrying, standing for hours, days, weeks and months on end, and tons of mental concentration especially with murals. Unfortunately I'm not getting any younger either, (dang it.) And more and more my body is giving me big neon signs that I need to make some changes. Stop this line of work, or at least cut way back, and go in a new direction.

This Friday March 19th, will be 12 years since I had my first SCAD heart attack. I had 3 more over the following years. (Neon signs #1-4 that have led me to my current path.) And while I've learned to work with my new limitations, my heart has permanent damage that causes me to get tired more quickly. Then this past December I had half my right lung removed due to a cancerous tumor. (Neon Sign #5) So now my breathing capacity is diminished too. I had several complications from it including a broken rib from the surgery that still bothers me, had to have 3 liters of fluid removed in 3 separate procedures that continued to collect in my chest, and pretty sure my vocal cord was damaged from the breathing tube too as three months later  I continue to cough and choke every time I eat drink and talk. (Neon signs #6-10 telling me to SLOW DOWN and that I really need to consider this new direction thing it keeps whispering/yelling to me about. Like, NOW. ) My recovery is still sloooooowwwwllyy ongoing and its been frustrating not being able to function like I am used to. I've had little choice but to go slow.  I honestly don't know if I will be 100% again. I hope so, but like my heart I'm sure there will be new limitations with my lung I will have to learn to adjust to and work around. 

So I cant help thinking there are all these giant neon signs telling me its time to stop the physical labor. To do something else now. Because I'm really struggling to do what I used to anymore. Not just physically, but mentally too. Physically and mentally right now I need a lot of rest days. I know that is partly due to my surgery recovery, but its also coming from my Soul. My Soul is tired of doing what we are doing. I feel so much resistance to doing murals and physical paint jobs nowadays. But, I also need to pay my bills and that is how I currently do it. So there is a big tug of war going on between my Soul and mind right now, between what I want and what I need, between what is known and unknown, between what I should do and Must do. 

I am someone who believes in Woo and magical things and connecting to the Universe.  I feel and hear the whispers of my Soul, see the signs from the Universe and messages from spiritual animal guides pointing me in new directions - someone who asks for guidance, and receives it. It may not manifest in the ways I want, (dang it again!) But it always does in the ways I need. And lately they are all saying - slow down, be still and quiet, be soft and gentle, take your time, listen, follow what feels good and exciting, be in flow, go inward and connect, center, ground. Just BE. Lately what feels good and exciting is sitting on my back porch, watching the birds and squirrels, staring into space, and just BEing in nature. Also reading and working thru things internally. I feel like I am/need to be in hibernation mode right now. That my being is shifting and evolving and rising and needs time to quietly process all of that. And when I try to push myself to work and get things done - my Soul (and body) throws up big walls of resistance and I get upset and frustrated that I cant seem to get anything done! But I'm learning its because I'm just not supposed to right now. I am still healing, my body needs more time. My Soul needs me to connect to it and then follow the path I know I'm meant to be on. And that path is slow and meandering right now. The only way to follow your soul  and truly know what it is saying, is to get quiet and listen. Often. So that is where I am.

My biggest struggle currently is that my creativity seems to be cocooning as well. In all this slow quiet evolving time - I should at least have energy to draw and paint right? HA!! Evidently my creativity is doing some quiet soul searching as well. 

 The heart of my Soul, the very essence of my being is Love and Creativity. I am here to create things in my own quiet, unique, magical way, and I have blessedly been given the talent to back that up. I KNOW with every fiber of my being that I was born to create artful things. That I am here to live a creative, passionate, authentic Soul fulfilling life. So the answer to my physical labor conundrum (so I keep hearing from inside me) is to become a studio artist. To stop going outward so much, and go inward. To create (draw, paint, craft, form, build, invent etc) whatever wants to come out of my soul, at home, in my own space and studio. Then share it with those in the world meant to connect to it. And mentor along the way (this part is just beginning to build in me. If you are familiar with Human Design its actually part of my design - I am here to create my own version of heaven on earth and share what I know with the world, to become a mentor/role model/master of my craft after the age of 50, which by the way is drawing very near. Not sure how that will look yet, but the thoughts and ideas are swirling).

But my creativity doesn't seem to want to play right now. I go in the studio with every intention of just playing with paint - no expectations, no pressure to create something amazing that will make me money.....just have fun and see what happens. Well, nothing is happening. I sit there for hours looking for that spark, for the colors that want to play, for an image that wants to materialize, for.......something. Anything! I force myself to start something hoping the very act of starting will propel me forward......and it ends up looking like a muddy mess. Or I get halfway thru and the inspiration and momentum just stops, my shoulders and head drop, and I have to walk away from the easel. I have a dozen or more half finished paintings I cant seem to complete, and nothing new wants to come out either. I am completely blocked. (And my bank account and ego are very frustrated with me.)

Be still. Be quiet. Slow down. I hear.

You HAVE to Do This! Do That! How will you pay your bills if you don't Make Money!! I also hear.

You will not become the highest version of yourself that allows creativity and abundance and beauty and magic to flow easily in, if you don't get quiet and LISTEN and BE what you are meant to be.

Um, but, hello?....$bills$?!!?!

And so the tug of war continues. But I'm working on it and beginning to gain the advantage. Because I know the correct answer, the right way for me. Ego and my bank account are just going to have to learn that they are not the boss of me.😉  That there is more money inside of me, than I will ever find outside of me, because IIIiiii am the source of creating everything I desire. I just need to believe in ME.

I've known for years now that selling my art is part of my future. I've said almost as long that I'm going to open an online shop to sell my art. But I still haven't. I love to create - but selling.....uhhh no. I am not a salesperson. And shipping? How do I ship art?! And prints? how do I do that?! How do I get good pictures of my art?! and taxes and marketing and building a website, and social media, and all the other businessy things???!! I DONT KNOW??!!!! Yes, I know I can learn all that stuff and I'm probably making it harder than it actually is but honestly - I don't wanna know how to do it all - I just want to create! And communicating with people to do any and all those things?!! Ugh. I'm SO not good at speaking. Writing and typing, yes - I can text and type all day long. Its my preferred methods of communication.  But actually speaking to someone, and talking about....me? my art? pricing and business stuff, anything really??!....uh uh. No thank you. Do I reeeallly Haaaaaave to?! Sigh. My emotions are very raw and real and close to the surface, all the time. I tear up or cry at everything. Good, bad, happy sad - I feel it all. I am very empathetic and a very deep thinker, but a very awkward and uncomfortable speaker. Especially with tough and personal/ emotional conversations. I don't like showing my emotions like that and stumbling over my words when I speak, which I so often do, and feel stupid about. I don't want to sound stupid and all discombobulated and possibly embarrass myself. So unless I feel safe, confident and comfortable enough to use my voice, I tend to be very quiet.

And that's okay. It's who I am. 

 My point being tho - I know that in order to make being a fine artist successful and supportive for me - I'm gonna need to speak up. Right? I need to become visible, make my art visible and make my voice heard in some way. Because no one is going to buy anything when they don't even know I or my art exists, right? I see what other artists do on social media. I watch their videos, see their daily posts, their workshops.....they do So much! Selling and marketing and sharing. All. The. Time!  And that scares me. I cant do that, how do I do that? I'll never be successful like they are! I don't want to do videos and talk on camera all the time. Or paint on camera.  I don't know how, nor do I want to do this thing or that thing, so how will this ever work?! How do I be successful like them???!!!

The answer is I'm not supposed to be like them. I'm supposed to do this MY way. 

I need to stop falling into the comparison trap and blocking my forward moving energy before I even start.

What the hell is MY way tho?! 

I don't know fully yet, and that's okay too. Its part of the process of evolution. My way is definitely quieter tho. My way will probably consist of sharing somewhere, in some way, my art and stories in written form of how my art came to be. My way also wants to have an amazing personal assistant/manager someday to free up my energy from stressing over the selling and business side, so I can just do what I'm here to do - Create. I create - they market and sell and ship for me. So Universe if you're listening, please bring me that perfect person who fits Me and can help do what I need. Sooner rather than later would be great!😁

In the meantime I will continue to listen to my Soul and be in the flow of each day. 

Yesterday the flow took a sharp fast turn when my friend showed up at my door saying her client wanted to see a few of my paintings. She walked in, took 3 of them down off my walls and left in a whirlwind. And I freaked out. Literally. OH. MY. GOD! I haven't priced these yet or prepped them for sale - how do I price them? I know she's gonna call me and ask a price. what are they worth? what am I worth? Do I price to sell or price what I think they're worth? WHAT ARE THEY WORTH??????!!!! HOW DO I DO THIS!!! I'M NOT READY!!!! I frantically began crunching different numbers. I broke down and curled up in a ball in a corner of the studio and freaked the fuck out!! I cant do this! How do I do this?! Can I do this?! This is what you want right? To sell your art? To stop the heavy physical labor, to be able to slow down and have your art support you, right? Well it starts here, right now, this very minute, with this piece and how you price it and move forward. Are you gonna undervalue yourself again, or be brave and confident?!  How are you gonna make this thing you say you want to do a success if you cant get your shit together, stand up, believe in yourself and and ask your worth??!!!!

The Universe was bringing me a hard fast lesson that's for dang sure! But it was also bringing me exactly what I'd been asking for.

In the end I did. I took deep breaths, aligned with what I knew felt good inside me, stood up and asked for my and the paintings worth. Actually I didn't ask, I Said what it was worth. Period. I shared a bit of the story I have with Heron with the client and why that piece means so much to me, and promised a printout of the full story. I thanked her for her interest in my art whatever she decided. And it sold! The client had connected to Heron as much as I did. 

And THAT is what I want. The connection - mine to my art and Soul, and the buyers to the art, its story and their own Soul. I want people to FEEL something from my art. Be drawn to it in some way that speaks to their Soul as well. Life is about stories and we connect to it and each other thru our stories.

I don't want to create art just to make money. My Soul will actually not allow me to. Money is not a motivator for me. (As much as I and my bank account would like it to be, haha.)  My creativity fights me when money is the goal, and I struggle to produce anything. I don't want to become a machine cranking out murals and cabinets and walls and painting after painting just so I can pay my bills and maybe if I'm lucky, afford a month long trip to Italy someday. I mean I do want to pay my bills and have plenty left over for my dream Italy trip someday - but THAT is not the main objective for me and creating.

I am here to live a Creative, Authentic, Passionate, Soul fulfilling life. Period.

THAT is my purpose in this lifetime. And I do that by living life to its fullest, and sharing my Soul art and stories.

Money is the by product of living my life that way. This is the lesson I am learning.

I know the pain and heartache and exhaustion of not listening to my Soul. I did it for years and years. Doing things for everyone else but me. Putting my needs last over the job or family wants/needs. Working my ass off giving 150% while undervaluing my time and worth, and disappointing myself and my soul in the process. (I am a recovering people pleaser after all.)  

But now it is time to do things MY way. To fully learn what MY way is. To allow my creativity to evolve with unconditional love and joy.  To stand up and stop shortchanging myself and my work. To know I am worthy, my art is worthy, and to ask for what I, and it, deserves. To listen to my Soul and Trust that the Universe has my back and will bring me what I need when I need it. Always.

Heron proved that to me yesterday. It's hard to let this painting go. But I also know I have to and that its going to a good home where it will be appreciated and loved. And that's important to me. Heron has been watching over me for almost 7 years now. He never steers me wrong. Teaching me Patience. Guiding me. Reassuring me I will be okay. Always. That the Universe is always watching and helping me.  I just have to Trust and believe in it. Believe in me. 

Heron needs to fly now so he can open more doors for me and watch over me as this next phase of my life cocoons and unfolds, and a new chapter begins. I'm not sure exactly what it will be about (that's the beauty and mystery of life), but finally opening an online store of some kind is definitely coming soon. Now that that first sale is done, I know I can do the next one, and the next one. I just need to be a bit more ready than I was yesterday haha. And if I'm not for whatever reason, I need to make sure to slow down in that moment, connect to my Soul, and step into my worth. 

Our Souls always know the right way for us. We just have to listen.💖

If you'd like to read the story of my Heron painting you can find it here - 

http://beyondthecanvasohio.blogspot.com/2015/11/art-every-day-day-22-patience.html